Why English Sucks

We're getting ready to leave for a trip to Japan in a couple weeks and I admit I'm nervous.  I hear or use Japanese daily with my wife, but that's much different than interacting in more formal situations with people I barely know.  Japanese is a tough language, but I'm often grateful I didn't have to learn English as a second language.  Try reading the poem below out loud.  If you're like me, you'll mispronounce at least one word.  The excerpt below was shared as part of the adult literacy tutor training I just completed.

An Excerpt from "The English Lesson" by Richard Krogh

(I found the full poem here: The English Lesson)

I take it you already know

Of tough and bough and cough and dough?

Others may stumble, but not you,

On hiccough, thorough, slough and through?

Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,

To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word

That looks like beard and sounds like bird,

And dead: it's said like bed, not bead - 

For goodness sake don't call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat

(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother,

Nor both in bother, broth in brother,

And here is not a match for there

Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,

And then there's dose and rose and lose -

Just look them up - and goose and choose, 

And cork and work and card and ward,

And font and front and word and sword,

And do and go and thwart and cart - 

Come, come, I've hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Man alive!

I'd mastered it when I was five!

And yet to write it, the more I tried.

I hadn't learned it at fifty five.

Legal

My wife's Green Card arrived in the mail early this week.  It's very nice to have that out of our way.  Now we just have to remember to have the conditions removed one year and nine months from now.

We're looking forward to the fact that both of us will be able to go through the short line when coming through Immigration after our trip to Japan.  Now if we could just find a way to get me in the short line when entering Japan...

I'm Giving Up

Every few days I'll try to read a news article or two in Japanese.  Today was one of those days.  I could easily tell by the headline that the article was about the DOW (in the United States) falling yet again.  I click on the headline - the entire article is only a few sentences.  Excellent.

My wife happened to come in the room and complimented me on reading an article in Japanese.  She challenged me to read it out loud.  I started to read, and was highly confident because I knew the following word: "市場".  I learned this word, and how to read it, over eight years ago in one of the first cities I lived in while in Japan.  So, when I come to that word I say "ichiba".  Simple.  It means market.  My wife corrects me.  

Wife: "No, it's 'shijou'."  

Me: "But isn't it 'ichiba'?"

Wife: "Yes.  When it's a fruit or vegetable market, it is 'ichiba'.  When it is the stock market, or the housing market it is 'shijou'."

Why do I even try?

pwn

My wife got her driver's license last year, so we bought a new Honda Fit for her to drive. We paid a significant down payment, and put the rest on a two year loan (the salesman from the Honda dealer called me when processing the sale to confirm we really wanted the two year, since most people go for the five year).

I detest paying interest.

We've been paying as much as we reasonably can each month, and got the loan paid off at the end of October. The title came in the mail the other day, and it feels good to know that it is now actually "our" car. It makes my blood boil to think about the fact that over the last year and two months we've paid roughly $500 in interest.

The next goal is to keep my car running long enough so that we can save and pay for our next car in cash.

I detest paying interest.

Depressing

Engineers do funny things, like calculate their effective hourly wage based on monthly salary and work hours. Then they realize with the long hours they've been working lately that on an hourly basis they're making less money than they were three years ago when they first started working for their current employer.

Aren't engineers dumb?

Reclosable Bag

My wife has forced me to throw away all of my undershirts that had even the smallest hole in the armpit. Luckily, she was also nice enough to buy me some new undershirts. It always amazes me when I buy new undershirts or underwear because they come in reclosable bags. Fruit of the Loom even proudly prints on the side of the bag "Reclosable Bag" with arrows pointing to the end of the bag that is....you got it, reclosable.

Maybe it's just me, but when I get new undershirts I tend to remove them from the bag they come in, wash them, and store them in my dresser. Am I missing something about the convenience of reclosable undershirt bags?

I Smoke Pot!?

I had a bit more eventful drive home today than usual. About a mile from work, there was a "crash! clatter, clatter, clatter..." and suddenly the sound from my car's exhaust became quite a bit louder. Apparently it had something to do with this:

I'd already lost the muffler a few years ago, but now that I've lost more of the exhaust pipe, the exhaust comes out right under the passenger area of the car. It's unbearable. 2000 rpm = headache. I have to get this fixed.

Speaking of not having a muffler, it reminds me of a fun story.


One day I was driving home from work, minding my own business, and obeying all traffic laws....I saw a sheriff's cruiser in my rearview mirror. He didn't have his lights or sirens on, but I just had this feeling he was following me and was going to pull me over. The stoplight turns red and I stop. The sheriff's deputy flashes his lights. Just as I suspected. I turn on to the side road.

(While I have paraphrased below, I promise that I don't make any exaggerations.)


Deputy: Do you know why I pulled you over?


Joe: No, I honestly don't.


Deputy: You hear that? (points to rear of car)


Joe: Oh, my muffler? Or lack thereof?


Deputy: Yup. License and proof of insurance, please. Where do you work?


Joe: [INSERT NAME OF EMPLOYER HERE].


Deputy: Then don't you think you could afford a new muffler?


Joe: Yes, I suppose I could.


Deputy: Wait a minute while I check your records.


Several minutes pass and deputy returns...


Deputy: Okay, I'm going to just give you a warning. You can do with it what you want. I don't care. I can't force you to get your muffler fixed. But Officer XXXX has warned you - you should know that driving a Honda that sounds like that will draw unwanted attention. Police will think you're some 18 year old kid who thinks he's in the "Fast and the Furious", and they all smoke pot, right?


Joe: I have no idea if they smoke pot.


Deputy: Well, you know what I'm saying. I'm not saying I age-profile, or racial-profile, but you don't want to put out the wrong image - it will draw attention to you.


Joe: Okay. Thanks. I appreciate it, officer.

Joe: (thinking to self as driving home) Was he trying to imply that I smoke pot?

Cousins

Cousins. I have a lot. On my mother's side of the family, there's a total of 24 of us (if I counted right). When we were younger we all spent a lot of time playing together at Sunday family dinners and on holidays at my granparents' house (which are some of my fondest childhood memories). After this weekend, one more of my cousins is married. It's hard to believe we're all getting old enough to be adults, get married, and have children.

I'm glad some of us are still able to get together on special occasions to celebrate together and get caught up.

Pin...Fire...

I can just imagine the "conversation"...

Chinese translator: Pin [makes action of removing pin from object]...fire...

Native English speaker: Hand grenade?

Chinese translator, incredibly happy with himself/herself, records translation as "hand grenade".

And just in case anyone thinks I'm discriminating, we native English speakers do it too. Take a look - poor Kimberly. Unfortunately, she got her name tattooed on her back in upside down Japanese characters.

How Much Will...

Note: I'm making every attempt to avoid a tacky pun in this post - the italicized text below indicates where I made these attempts.

Last night my wife and I got home from vacation in Minnesota with my family. We had a good time, and also impressed ourselves with the luggage capacity of the Fit. The Fit is suitable for carrying a surprising amount of stuff. I mean, who would think that such a small car would be adapted to carrying so much luggage, or the right size or shape to haul small furniture? (Thank you Random House Thesaurus!)

As you can see below, once we had loaded the car up for vacation, we discovered its accouterments to be more than adequate for hauling one week worth of luggage for two people.

How much more will fi... er... can we put in?

However, since we returned home via Ikea, Mitsuwa, and Trader Joe's in Chicago, the additional capacity went to good use.

About that much, and then some...

Oh, and did I mention we had a great time at the lake with my family?

Yes, I'm on vacation. Now leave me alone.

Bless This Mess

This weekend my wife officially moved in with me - we finished unloading the truck around 9:00 last night. The apartment's a mess, but I don't care. She's sitting at her desk right next to mine, at her own computer.

I keep catching myself smiling like a little kid.

Disappointment

I had waited so long, and when the opportunity finally came once again...disappointment.

I've been meaning to try a fried Snickers bar for several years now, but always forget to at fair time. I remembered tonight. Unfortunately, the fried Snickers ended up tasting like a melted Snickers (yuck) in batter.

Oh well, at the least the truck pulls were good and I had good company.

You Might Be A Redneck If...

Though we never farmed, nor ever owned any tractor larger than something big enough to mow the lawn, my dad used to take me and my brother to the tractor pull at the county fair. Fond childhood memories...now that I'm grown and work in diesel engine development, I find truck and tractor pulls just as enjoyable as when I was a kid.

Last year I took my wife to the demolition derby, too. Too bad she won't be here on Friday night...

Go ahead, call me a redneck. I don't care.

...black smoke from a tractor gets you excited...

The Important Questions

So, on the Fourth of July I was doing the patriotic thing - cooking bratwurst. I've always wondered why they come in packs of five. Looks like I'm not the only one, but this guy actually took the time to write Johnsonville: Why Brats Come in Packs of Five


Now I know - 19.76 ounces.

The Last Drive

Last weekend I made what I think was my last full roundtrip journey between Illinois and Michigan to visit my wife. I'll do the trip oneway in a few weeks in a Uhaul truck when we move her to Illinois.

Before I left on Sunday, we had brunch with some of my wife's friends. One of her friends asked if I would miss making the drive - I quickly responded that no, I would not. Since I've, on average, probably made the 12 hour roundtrip drive two times a month for the last three years, I've, well, gotten quite bored with it. To further emphasize my point, here are the highlights from my drive home last week:

1. Last year I bought my wife a Honda Fit. You know how it is once you buy a certain car - you start noticing many more of them when you're out driving. On the six hour drive home a saw five blue and one silver Honda Fit Sports. I'm a fan of the blue...and apparently everyone else is too.
2. Several fireflies had the pleasure of getting up close and personal with my windshield after dark. The blobs of their remains continued to glow for a brief period after their demise. It looked kind of cool.
3. I was cruising along at 75 mph and got passed by a Corvette convertible probably doing ~100 mph. I was hoping to see the Corvette pulled over by a Michigan State Trooper several miles later, but I never got the satisfaction.

Making Friends

I've found a good way to make the TSA people at the airport smile and be friendly.

My wife spent a couple summers teaching intensive language courses at a university out east. For the 9 (?) week program, students are required to speak ONLY their target language, and have to sign a written agreement stating such. An interesting by-product of this process is the t-shirts that they create - some are for the overall program (for all of the languages), and some are specific to the language and level. I have one shirt from first year Japanese that has written on the back in Japanese "I only speak Japanese". Then beneath that in English, "If you can't read this, then you're probably not supposed to talk to us..." The shirt is somewhat bright green, and despite it being a gift from my wife, she is very adamantly opposed to me wearing it in public. Especially when we're in an area where there might be some native Japanese speakers.

So, back to making the TSA folks smile. When I flew home to Illinois yesterday I was wearing a t-shirt that says "No English Spoken Here" on the front, then on the back "But we do speak:" with all of the languages taught at the school written in the native characters beneath. The security checkpoint I went through yesterday just happens to be the same checkpoint for international departures. Two of the TSA officers smiled when they saw my shirt and asked "what does your shirt say?" (as if trying to test if I speak English). I responded and explained where the shirt was from, they explained how they thought it was humorous because many of the people they encounter day-to-day truly cannot speak English.

Next time I fly I think I'll wear that t-shirt. When the TSA officers ask what my shirt says, I'll look very confused and give them my best broken English while pointing to my shirt - "No speeku ingureshu!".

Thin Air

"Thin Air" - it's the title of one of my favorite Don Ross tunes (the favorite?). I got the sheet music for my birthday last year, and one of my guitars has been in this tuning for probably half a year or so while I've struggled with learning this song (probably doesn't help that I play for maybe a total of one hour during an average week).

Anyway, the difficult part of learning a Don Ross, Andy McKee, or Antoine Dufour tune is getting "in the groove". As you may have noticed, there's a very percussive/rhythmic feel to most of the music these guys make. Getting both hands (especially your right thumb) to cooperate can be difficult. Tonight I felt like I was maybe finally really starting to get "in the groove" for "Thin Air". Am I ready to post my rendition on Youtube? No not yet. For now, here's Don playing it: "Thin Air".

Morphin'

My wife has been here with me in Illinois for the past couple weeks, and she'll be here for another week. I came home one day last week to find a multi-color throw over my couch (instead of the typical plain navy blue sheet I use as a sofa cover). Last night she came home from a shopping trip with a bright orange/peach tablecloth that immediately found its way on my usually naked dining room table.

She'll be moving in permanently in July. This is how it happens, isn't it? One small thing at a time, then one day you find yourself waking up in a bed with pink, flowery, frilly sheets...

Two Weeks

As I was entering my time at work this afternoon, I realized that if I work exactly eight hours tomorrow and Wednesday that I'll be 80 hours over for this month. That's two full work weeks! How did I manage to do that?

I guess the one 80 hour week and the two 60 hour weeks would add up to an extra 80 hours...and my compensation is the satisfaction of a job well done. Yippee.

10 kg

I stepped on the scale this morning. Looking back to the first weight I have documented in my workout calendar (Jan. 27), I've dropped 14 lbs in exactly three months. I'm pretty sure I was about 8 lbs heavier around Christmas time compared to the Jan. 27 weight. That's 22 lbs, or exactly 10 kg (as my wife pointed out).

At first glance, that sounds like a lot, but if you assume four weeks per month, that's 16 weeks (since Christmas). That would mean an average weight loss of 1.4 lbs/week or 0.6 kg/week.

Slow and steady wins the race.

No Goodbyes

At the Andy McKee show he played a Don Ross tune, "No Goodbyes", and said "this one's dedicated to Tashi." I didn't know who Tashi is, but found out here. Notice the date he passed away. The Andy McKee show we went to was on April 12.

Here's the master playing this song. Notice the dedication in the info to the right of the video: "No Goodbyes"

Triumvirate

I've now gotten to see all of my three favorite guitar players live - Don Ross last year, Antoine Dufour a month or two ago, and Andy McKee just a couple weeks ago. I thoroughly enjoyed all of the shows and hope I get the chance to see all of these guys live again.

Here's a pic from the Andy McKee show. His popularity has taken off over the past year thanks to Youtube (search for "andy mckee drifting" on Youtube).

2 for 2

I've been spending so much time at work this past week that I haven't had the time to go grocery shopping or cook. So, I've been eating a lot of fast food. What have I learned? Go to a fast food restaurant about 30 minutes before it closes and order a dessert (like an apple turnover) with your meal. I did this two nights in a row at two different restaurants and got the dessert for free both times.

I finally went grocery shopping and cooked my own dinner tonight - mac & cheese.

American Engrish

I love the website engrish.com. It's dedicated to mistaken English ("Engrish") found in east Asia on clothing, packaging, signs, etc. Having lived in Japan for two years, I have a great appreciation of Engrish. Here's a recent nugget:

I'll pass on the water passed by the manager....

I always figured Engrish to be an anomaly only present in east Asia, but I've come to learn that it also exists in, of all places, *gasp*, the United States. My wife found this example at a mall in Michigan. She took the picture with her cell phone, so the focus was a little off.

The next best thing to walking tall?

Engrish and Kneehongo

Why do people feel the need to try to look cool by buying apparel or getting tattoos with writing in a foreign tongue they don't understand? Why oh why?

Tipping the Scale

After being sick one week, then insanely busy with work last week, I finally got back to the gym yesterday. Part of my Sunday morning ritual before going to the gym is stepping on the scale. After two weeks of not working out, I expected to be a few pounds heavier than when I last weighed myself three weeks ago. I was pleasantly surprised - I had actually lost an additional five pounds. The needle was just to the left of the line for 200 lbs. I'm going to call it 199.5 lbs. and say it's the first time I've been that light in close to 5 years.

Why do we spend so much time at the gym if we can accomplish just as much weight loss (or more) with sickness and elevated levels of stress? I think I'll start a "stomach flu with new responsibilities at work" diet. I guarantee somebody will buy my book. Who wants to help me write the draft for the infomercial?

Patriotic?

Is my Japanese wife more patriotic than I am (as in an American patriot, not a Japanese patriot)? Let me elaborate.

Since we got married June of last year, this was the first time we had the option of "married filing jointly" when filing our taxes. I went through all of the paperwork and found we'd be getting a return close to $3000 - roughly two-thirds of that being from my wife's withholdings, one-third being the savings for filing "married filing jointly" as opposed to "married filing separately", and the portion from my withholdings being nearly negligible.

From one perspective, a large return is bad since it basically means you've given the government an interest free loan over the course of the last year. Or can sacrificing the interest/returns you could have made on that money for the greater good of the country be seen as patriotic?

If so, that would make my wife more patriotic than me.

Elated Insomniac

Great news! My wife will be moving to live with me in July. When she made the final decision on Sunday, I told her I was so excited that my head might explode. She thought I was being sarcastic, but I was serious. This is a VERY big deal for me (and for her too, I think).

So, that's the elated part.

As of Tuesday of last week my responsibilities at work have changed. I've been put into more of a leadership role, helping oversee and guide people who do the work I was doing up until last Monday. Honestly, I'm a bit overwhelmed by the change - I've gotten much busier in the past week. At first I thought I wouldn't really enjoy the new responsibilities and would want to return to my previous job, but though I've been insanely busy the past several days, I'm finding I really enjoy it. I feel I have more control over the quality of our product, and am faced with more interesting challenges. I think the new responsibilities will help me grow as an individual (sorry about getting cheesy on you). Maybe it was perfect timing for a change - I had been doing the same job for ~1.5 years and was feeling a bit bored and stale.

So, with the change in responsibilities, I've inherited a very hot potato. And apparently "I've only been on this project for two days" isn't a good enough excuse for not making progress and not understanding the history of the project. It's only Tuesday and I've probably worked 30+ hours already this week. Yeah, I'm a party animal.

Oh, the insomnia part? I guess it's the excitement and anxiousness that comes along with a job change (nervous isn't the right word), but I haven't been able to sleep since Friday night.

So there you go, I'm an elated insomniac.

Claw BSME

Yes, I confess. I have long fingernails. But only on my righthand, and I keep the pinky nail trimmed. I've even been known to glue on an acryllic nail when one of my natural nails breaks.

Surprisingly I don't get many questions/comments on my fingernails. Of course, a few people at work have asked me, but that's expected since we work together on a daily basis. When I'm out and about, I can only think of two times when someone has asked me, and both of those have occurred in the past two months. Both times I was asked "do you play guitar?" or "what kind of guitar do you play, classical or regular?" Both times I was tempted to respond similar to Don Ross - "Yes, I play guitar, but don't tell my mother - she thinks I'm a cross-dresser."

Unfortunately, the long nails are no substitute for practice time. I've been very lazy when it comes to practicing guitar. But even with regular practice, I don't think I'll ever reach the level of Don Ross, Andy McKee, or Antoine Dufour.

Oh, by the way, if you like the videos I have linked above, be sure to check out their other videos on YouTube (Andy's "Drifting" has over 10 million views) and maybe pickup some of their albums on iTunes or at candyrat.com. There, end of plug for some of my favorite guitarists.